We're going to live forever

If you were considering a smoking holiday in the UK you’d better get a move on. From 1 July this egregious behaviour is against the law in all public enclosed spaces here, saving thousands of lives.

And since our government’s default approach is always to treat us as fools, no-smoking notices must now go up everywhere (cathedrals, massage parlours, opium dens) and there are dark rumours of Lung Ranger hit teams ready to swoop on those who disobey.

Since over a quarter of adults in the UK smoke, this new, er, wheeze has caused a fair amount of debate, mainly in pubs over a couple of pints and a pack of Woodbines but even smokers have seen the writing on the wall. They've always believed that you need to show your lungs who’s boss, but hey ho.

While all this is good news for notice-makers and bad news for ashtray manufacturers there are other industries which ought to seize the moment. For instance, the nicotine patch business. I've always enjoyed these since they dramatically upgrade the buzz you can derive from a pack of Capstan Full Strength – and that’s saying something.

But why confine the technology to nicotine?

Save time each morning with our breakfast portfolio – never mind the fridge, the pans and the stove, just slap on a bacon and egg patch while you make the tea. Traditionalists who demand an occasional smoked fish meal first thing can apply a pair of Arbroath Smokies patches – imaginatively shaped like the real thing. With one on either side of the torso this is genuine stereo food, and not to be missed by people like you – people at the cutting edge of human experience, people who will try anything once before filing suit.

The system works for all eating opportunities – our lunchbox specials, for instance, are the ultimate convenience food for people who need to keep going in the middle of the day – bond traders, crane drivers, fighter pilots, marathon runners, chess players, PR people etc.

Individual patches offer you three, four or seven course meals, balanced for nutritional value, and using differential release technology to ensure you get your dishes in the right order. All you need to do is get the coffee.

Obesity solved at a stroke, and there are other advantages – dentists will need to re-train. Every significant human advance must have its casualties, and it’s time dentists took their share.

Is there no end to Cultural Sensitivity?

No there isn’t. It’s how we try to understand our fellow nitwits and ensure we hit the right buttons when we communicate with them. More examples, as threatened last time:

TOWN / COUNTRY: Most people here live in towns, and romanticise the country. When they take a trip there however they find no stage coaches rattling through quaint villages, no be-smocked peasants quaffing cider by haystacks and few hens scratching around drowsy farmyards in the sun.

Instead they find billions of chickens confined in tiny cages in giant sheds, a housing concept borrowed from towns and cities.

This town/country split was brought into sharp relief by the fox hunting issue which occupied more parliamentary time than any other in Blair’s government.

It’s largely people in the towns who seem to be against it, while if you live in the country you normally couldn’t care less until a pack of hounds and five dozen horses pursue a fox in through your front door and out through the French windows. Anyway, it’s illegal now, although I doubt if foxes have noticed.

LABOUR / CONSERVATIVE: When confronted, it’s always best to claim you base your voting pattern on local issues, because no-one will know what they are. This enables you to talk through your hat for hours, and gives you time to work out the point of view of the weirdo you so unwisely stood next to when you ordered your beer. It never occurred to you that this would be the reason for the free space at an otherwise crowded bar.

LIVERPOOL / EVERTON: It’s always wise to check if there’s any deadly rivalry going back generations between supporters of competing football clubs in your neighbourhood. This is essential information on Merseyside and in many other places too, especially Glasgow.

Remember that Glasgow Celtic manager Jock Stein, when asked if he thought football really was a matter of life and death, replied “It’s much more important than that”.

TEA / COFFEE: Unless you were counting on staying awake for weeks on end in a prolonged juddering caffeine fit, drink tea here in the UK. On business, however, go for coffee, since good tea is beyond most companies, and no-one will give you a glass of absinthe.

NORTH / SOUTH: Look around. Can you see rolling countryside, sunshine, sleepy country towns, orchards, wealth, Heathrow, traffic chaos, effete cultural behaviour or the French coast? If so, you’re in the south.

Or can you see driving rain, dark satanic mills, coal mines, steel works, factory chimneys, bleak moors, cobbled streets, back-to-back terraced housing, outside toilets, people in flat caps drinking thin beer out of straight glasses, pigeon lofts, whippet racing or black pudding? If so, you’re in the past.

GET IT / DON’T GET IT: People who get cultural sensitivity know that when they communicate they’re addressing something richer than a target audience. Those who don’t are condemned to wonder why their campaign bombed.